control.

i was all set to write a post on my weekend in Jersey and some of the thoughts i had coming out of it. but sometimes i need to pound out into writing what i’m thinking in my head otherwise i can’t think straight in general, so here goes.

i’ve really been convicted lately to relinquish control. now, anyone who knows me knows that i’m typically the opposite of controlling, in fact sometimes i go TOO far in the opposite direction towards what i like to call utterly unconscious. okay, not unconscious, but i’m pretty “go with the flow” when it comes to life and things like that. in fact, adaptability is one of my strengths (according to strengths finders…) and i would say that’s pretty much true. all except in one specific area of my life: relationships.

which funny, is a HUGE part of my life. you hear me say time and time again on this public journal that i am an incredibly relational person. in fact, i won’t hesitate dropping what i have going on if one of my friends needs me. i just think in the long run, relationships have the biggest impact on human beings since at our core, we all want to be loved.

sorry if that was cheesy. but so true. surprisingly, such a large area of my life is one area that i have a lot of difficulty giving up to God. that’s not to say that i don’t try. because i definitely try daily to let go of that control and really trust God for things. but let’s be serious. i’m human and i’m also female (not to knock females… i’m just sayin we are emotional beings). but in all the time i’ve had over the past few weeks to really try to understand why it’s so difficult for me to let go of the control in this particular area of my life, i realize that it’s not something unique to my situation… we all do it.

1. past experiences – this is probably the number one reason why i doubt God’s goodness in this area of my life. i just look back at some of the hurt and frustration and that’s all i know. i automatically think people are going to disappoint me and let me down, and even though i try to prepare myself for it (worst-case scenario girl right here), it does little to ease the pain when it happens over and over again. is it fair to assume that each situation is like that? no. but when it becomes routine it’s hard to break free of that mentality.

2. okay i lied. i can’t think of a second reason…

brokenness.

being broken means that something isn’t working properly or it’s not the way it should be. and being a broken person is lonely, painful, and most of all feels hopeless. and while i’ve probably only experienced brokenness once or twice, those experiences have been the result of relationships that have gone wrong. i mean relationships in general (though relationships like dating relationships definitely still count).

in those times of utter frustration (i tend to want to throw things at walls and take long, LOOOOONG drives), it can be really easy to lose focus and to start wallowing in what i’m missing. thankfully the last time this happened (i may or may not have been slightly hyperventilating in my cube at work), a good friend took the time to verbally smack me in the face. he called me out on quite a few things that were really just truth and reality and made me realize that i was most definitely focusing on the wrong things. and when focus shifts from God to everything else, it just goes downhill from there.

but even with that verbal smackdown, i still find myself falling for the same tricks, believing the same lies. because it’s easy to do that when all signs seem to point to those lies being true. the hardest part has been coming to terms with things not always going how i imagined they would. and then a step out from there, really trusting that the Lord knows what he’s doing. and even though in the past, things have been a certain way… it doesnt mean that things will always be that way.

OH FOR BEING VAGUE. i’m trying really hard to keep it general mostly because this is something i deal with every. single. day. and after a long conversation with my bestie today about this, it’s kind of like, well what now?

promises.

whenever i realize that i am believing lies, the only way to combat that is truth. that was almost a duh moment. ALMOST. but even repeating promises to myself can sometimes just become a ritual, and the head knowledge fails to seep down into my heart to where i truly believe what i’m saying. the bleak reminder is that when i don’t believe those promises, i’m not taking God at his word. and THAT reminds me that i’m not believing who God is… did i do that post about God’s goodness and how i sometimes don’t believe that he gives good things to me? hmmmm…. i can’t remember. if not, i’ll have to take that on later this week.

anyway. some promises that i find myself repeating:

• james 1.17 – every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows
• psalm 34.4 –  i sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears
• joshua 23.14 – you know in all your hearts and in all your souls, that not one thing has failed of all the good things which the Lord your God spoke concerning; all are come to pass and not one thing has failed
• psalm 27.14 – wait upon the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait I say on the Lord.

just a good reminder since i tend to forget. all the time.

and there are days where things are good and things are bad. ebbs and flows. and for me, that’s totally okay. because even if it feels right now like i’m trusting the Lord, i know in my mind that He is faithful and gives all good things. now if only my heart would catch up to my head…

ultimately, i just keep reminding myself that there is no such thing as broken promises when it comes to God.

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