how it was.

it has been a really long time since i’ve updated this thing! it’s not that i haven’t wanted to (we all know how much i love verbally processing…), it’s just that KBG and i have not gotten internet at our apartment yet… nor do we really want to. well, okay that’s probably not true. i love the internet! but we definitely don’t need it. the only thing i’d get it for now is Netflix (and let’s be serious, i just use someone else’s password so…)

but a lot of things have gone down since i last posted! i mean, the biggest news has been that i got an iPhone. balla. it’s nice, given my intense love of social media and all things networking. the thing that i probably love the most about it is the camera, or more specifically, Instagram. oh it’s just amazing! my poor facebook friends keep getting constant instagram updates.

but beyond that, my life has been pretty chill. the drama has eluded me, thank goodness, and i’ve had a lot of time to spend with good friends. unfortunately, when my life is drama free my song-writing ability also drops… drama = lyrics. but of course, just as i’m right in the rhythm of being okay where i’m at, things do a little shifting and change begins once again.

sometimes i reread my old posts. and sometimes i can’t even look at them i’m so embarrassed! not that i was ever TOO overdramatic, but i definitely made use of the blog to really try to figure out what the heck was going on and determine what the Lord was trying to teach me through it all. but again, hindsight is 20/20 and looking back i’m just like, WHAT? what were you THINKING?! oh LOLz.

but i pretty much came to a point where i think God was just telling me to be still. not necessarily LITERALLY sit and be still because i’m pretty sure that wouldn’t last long. no, my busyness was getting out of hand and i was not content with a lack of change. it was just like “stop. be still. just be.” so i did. and it’s been quite an amazing few months of learning to be content where i’m at and finding joy in the Lord. okay there was that one day that i read revelation 8-9 right before i went to bed and it was more so terrifying then calming. but other than that, it’s been a good ride

not only have i just been more rested, but there’s something beautiful about contentment that once you’ve experienced it, you want it. i had always had a hard time with being content because i thought contentment was the same as being comfortable. and i know that as believers we are not called to be comfortable. so i was like, isn’t contentment bad? that means i’m too comfortable. but for me, it is most definitely not the same thing. i like these verses the best when it comes to summing up what ive learned these past few months:

phil. 4.11 – not that i am speaking of being in need, for i have learned in whatever situation i am to be content
1 cor. 7.24 – so, brothers (and sisters), in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God

i love it. not that it’s easy. in fact, pretty sure every aspect of this world is directly adverse to contentment. it’s all about wanting more. but i’ve found that even when i don’t want to spend time in the word or am feeling particularly prickly one day, i still try to find joy in the Lord. and i think he honors that

how it could have been.

i look back on my train of thought a few months ago and am so thankful that i am not at that place anymore. except sometimes i digress. like this week. blegh. even realizing that i still fall prey to those stupid old lies makes me pissed. have i shared this before? i can’t remember. want some harsh reality about the lies that i believe? here goes:

sometimes i think God punishes me for being really cautious with my relationships.

as therapeutic as that would have been if i’d been keeping that inside, i’ve already told several people about that struggle. that’s what i love about my friends and it’s been a while since that lie has creeped into my mind, but recently it made an appearance and i was once again forced to really look at what i believe about myself and what i believe about who God is as a creator. and once again i am so thankful for good friends who understand my struggles but are not afraid to speak some pretty real truth into my life (gosh was that redundant?).

i won’t go into details about that lie that i believe, other than the fact that i know its a lie. but it’s unfortunate when circumstances seem to affirm the lie… which leads me to the final piece of this post – are you still following? i think i’ve been less ADHD with this post!

perspective.

i love learning about grace and mercy. is it the lawyer in me? probably not…

anyway. in the past when ive gotten too wrapped up in the complications of relationships, i would question the goodness of God. wondering why everything was going wrong, why nothing would ever work out, whether i’d ever get out of that damn friend zone… and then had a bit of a perspective shift.

i dunno if it was J or KBG, or WHO said it to me… but i think it was after i decided to go on Man Fast 2.0 (maybe i’ll share more about that later) in May and June. one of my good friends just turns to me and is like, you know maybe the reason why things never work out with these guys is because God is protecting you from hurt and frustration.

ruh roh. someone is speaking truth into my life. i love that perspective. i love seeing God as a gracious and merciful God. and while the nuances of grace and mercy sometimes escape me, it is a lot easier to let go of frustration knowing that God is being gracious and stopping hurt before it starts. well, let me be a little more specific.

in the past i’ve looked at grace as something that God gives. that he has and decides to dole out at his will. but, God is grace. just like God is love or God is good. it is who he is. it’s a part of his character. he cannot not be gracious because it is who he is. and grace became real when Christ came to earth. i mean for real. WHAT? grace is all from God.

so whenever there’s a failed relationship or another guy who drops me into that friend zone, it’s not punishment or some sort of twisted lesson i’m supposed to learn. it’s God in his all-knowing, all-loving being looking at me and saying, i am protecting you from what you don’t even KNOW would be coming. i’m saving you from nights of crying and months of frustration, from days of questioning and hurtful words. from taking five steps back when you could be moving forward. — i mean if that’s not an experience of God’s grace, i’m not sure what is.

oh addendums…

HA i don’t care if that post didnt make sense! it was necessary for me to process through some of the things i’ve been learning!

but my final comment on this post is that i love reading A.W. tozer. or how i have begun calling him in my head, A Dubbs. do it. go read Knowledge of the Holy. it gets better every time.

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