risk assessment.

these past few days i have been writing up posts that have been very emotionally driven.  i realize that i may have sounded like i am drowning and can’t get to the surface… it’s really not that bad 🙂 i’ve been dealing with life coming to a culmination of stuff, all building to this point. so things that happen in my life are magnified and i tend to word vomit in order to get it out of my system and to make sense of what’s going on in my heart. in an attempt to actually calm down, i’ve decided to write a more logically themed post. weird i know. it’ll be quite the task for such an abstract, carnival brain like me… so bear with me if it doesnt make sense!

here’s the story.

i’ve been trying to figure out when it’s worth taking a risk. by nature, i am a little more cautious. a lot of things in life have taught me that more often than not, when it comes to my heart, it’s better to be on the safe side. i mean, after all it says:

Prov. 4:23 – Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

i love this verse because it rings true in so many areas of my life.  now i’m not saying that i don’t take risks. in fact, a lot of times i will step out of my comfort zone in order to help someone else, even if there are consequences. but rarely do i take risks for myself. i have just always thought that protecting myself is one of the most important things i can do. so i tend not to take any risks when there is a chance that i could significantly change a relationship. my mentality is that preserving a friendship is better than taking a chance and ruining it completely. right?…

just had another nice chat with K, and along with a few others like J, E, and BS, who share her mindset, realize that maybe it’s time i risk something. maybe it’s time that i realize how much fear has dominated this part of my life and get past it. because i can see how free i will be once i get over it. but for some reason, it’s been rough. i like to blame it on the fact that i was a late-bloomer growing up, that i was quite the socially awkward child, and that i’ve gone through some things in life that have made me more protective of myself. but really, it’s fear.

fear itself

FDR said in his famous inaugural speech: we have nothing to fear but fear itself. he’s right. anything that holds us back is rooted in fear. okay, sometimes we are held back by other things, but fear is always a big factor.  Recently GOOGLE launched googlebuzz (it’s purpose i am still a little fuzzy on…) but i threw out a question about when its good to take risks or not, and my friend DJ responded with “If the only thing holding me back is fear, then I do it”.  that really struck me. most of the time i’m not really that afraid of what could happen in life, because i know everything that happens happens for a reason. but when it comes to my personal life, the biggest thing i fear is that things i do will affect my relationships with others.

me + fear

i need lifelines. why? because whenever something like this happens and i have to risk whatever (being hurt, awkwardness, closing a season of friendship… whatever) in order to maintain sanity and steadfastness, i physically feel sick. in fact right now, the pit in my stomach is growing by the minute and i feel a little like throwing up. it’s so crazy how something that is mentally and emotionally driven can have such a physiological effect. SO crazy. i think its because i am pretty sure i know what’s going to happen and what the response will be, and am not that amped about it. but for my own good, i need to know that i am not letting fear keep me from living my life to the fullest. so here are my lifelines:

Isaiah 43:1-2 – but now, this is what the LORD says — he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Isaiah 41:10,13 – fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”

2 Timothy 1:7 – for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and self-control.

Psalm 18:29-33 – For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?  the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless.  He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.

Deuteronomy 31:8 – It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

my biggest question? what is the balance between fully relying on the Lord and then taking action? sometimes i think that it’s selfish of me to dump concerns on other people, just so that i myself have some peace about the situation. sometimes it’s not necessary to completely word vomit onto others. it takes some discernment to figure out when its good to be completely vulnerable and when its good just quietly wait on the Lord’s timing. but i think when something starts to get under your skin to the point where it’s effecting other areas of your life, that’s when it’s time to face the music. as K likes to tell me, “God gave you a brain. use it.” so clearly there is a line where i need to actually take action instead of just sitting and praying.

James 2:26 – For as the body apart from the spirit is dead, so also faith apart from works is dead.

so… if i say i have faith, but am unwilling to DO anything, my faith is dead… and if i really trust that what God says he will do, and those life lines above are true, then i SHOULD be willing to take action, even if it means being uncomfortable or momentarily being vulnerable. and heck, sometimes it is important to put yourself before the needs of others, when not taking care of yourself is hurting the way you interact with others.

it’s time to be a little selfish. even though i know that if i take this risk, it could be disastrous, i have to be okay with it, even if i am pretty certain of the outcome. i need to stop letting my fear control my actions, because it is in my best interests to face it head on. i know that this is an area of my life where i may not be as bold as others, and i’m okay with that. but letting it control me? not okay with it. what is it all worth to me?  it’s time to take some action.