wildfire lies

oh hey there. it’s been quite a while since i’ve blogged. that is totally my bad – i guess i just got caught up in life and forgot to keep track of it! but here i am again, ready to share my hopes and dreams, rainbows and butterflies… with ya’ll.

it’s kind of funny. it’s actually pretty hard for me to go back in time and read some of my old posts. i think i’ve actually talked about this before… but there are a few reasons why it’s so hard. the first is that i get depressed when i realize that the things i struggled with a year… even two years ago, are still things that heckle me to this day. another reason why i don’t like reading old posts, is because it reminds me of how silly i can be and how caught up in the little things i would get. don’t get me wrong. there are a lot of things that i processed through that were legit and totally worth the heartbreak, heartache and general frustration. aaaaaand then there are things where i really wish i could travel back in time and smack myself in the face and yell, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

but what now?

yeah. why am i blogging? what sort of tragic, traumatic boy issues am i dealing with that warrant a post? i kid i kid, sort of. most of my posts are the result of processing through relationships with men. luckily for you, this isn’t going to be one of those posts. no… this is more processing in general.

if you’ve read much of my blog, you know that something i struggle with on the daily is trust in God’s goodness. in the past, my tendency has been to approach viewing God as blessing everyone else, but when it comes to me, it’s more like a life lesson. he gives me something good, it’s only for a short period of time and usually when i finally reach for it, he pulls it away. so NOT who he is, yet what i believed for a long time. i always thought that God would take anything good away, just to teach me that i can’t rely on things, but need to rely on him. granted, he does want me to rely on him. but he also gives good things. somewhere in my mind, i could not marry the two concepts.

it’s not you. it’s me

so whenever something good is in my life, i take my usual approach. which is defensive and assumes the worst. it really is terrible. in order to protect myself, i just expect that it will all end terribly, that i will be disappointed, and that it’s just a lesson in patience and trust that God can’t WAIT to teach me. i’ve learned that this is incredibly unhealthy and just not true and that the more i believe that lie, the more self-sabotaging i do. self sabotaging is the worst because you really are the only one to blame. and yet i do it anyway. even now, when i know it’s not true, i have to actively remind myself to not fall into that trap.

goodness knows that i constantly fail at pulling myself together emotionally. (but i do think i’ve mellowed a bit with age). there’s a sort of comfort in doing the same thing i always do, getting the same results each time. because it’s familiar. even if it sucks, the consistency of the situation somehow feels comfortable. amiright? don’t even pretend like you don’t know what i’m talking about. we all do it!

but…

praise the Lord

he is so good. and patient. and loving. and kind. and merciful. i could go on and on and on.

i used to also think that everything i wanted was the opposite of what i needed. as in, everything i wanted was the last thing God would give me. and while that may have been true years ago, the beautiful thing is that when you draw near to God and trust him and follow his leading, good things happen. i am NOT saying that only good things will happen. nope. not the equation. i just mean that when you trust him, he entrusts you with more. whatever that may look like. i’m actually still trying to wrap my head around that… for so long, when something good (or seemingly good) dropped into my life, i assumed it wasn’t going to be around for long because God wouldn’t give me that. like, it was only from God if it was the exact opposite of what i desired.

no mas lies. it’s true, God works in the craziest ways and provides when we least expect it. often it causes us to look back, draw in a sharp breath, and realize that we never saw it coming. and in an amazing way.

what? i’m not making sense… i promise the next one will be more coherent 😛