i pulled the title of my post from a Taylor Swift song (surprise surprise), but i’d like to caveat this by saying this has nothing to do with her song about Jake Gyllenhaal.
it’s kind of funny. i started this post a few weeks ago and i was reading through the draft and chuckling to myself. it’s amazing how much can change in a few weeks. that being said, the realization of what has changed has made me realize even more that i am living in a state of grace. well, i guess i am always in some sort of state of grace but it’s been very obvious to me that God has been incredibly loving and merciful to me even though i’ve been a little bit of a crazy person.
this morning has been a true testament of that grace. i’ve been feeling a little anxious the past few days and i couldn’t really pinpoint why until last night. and when i realized why i was feeling anxious i got a little annoyed with myself. i was like, really? really? that’s why you’re anxious? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! i’ve definitely told myself that before – many, many times. when i struggle with the same thing over and over again, i tend to have very little patience with myself and i think i assume God is the same way. but he is SO patient and kind and understands.
a worthwhile fight
sometimes i get tired from fighting the same battles over and over again. like i said, it’s never a new struggle that comes up, it’s always the same old things coming back to haunt me. it’s funny how that works huh? it’s like, what? again? didn’t i just overcome this last month? frick.
but like any worthwhile fight, it’s the end result that motivates you to keep moving forward. i don’t even know what the end result would be… freedom from lies? confidence and identity found in Christ? experiencing his love? any of those things would make the fight worth it. but it’s easy to lose sight of the end goal and focus on what’s happening in the moment. dropping your eyes from God and onto what’s pulling you down can make everything seem like a losing battle.
but giving up is not an option, at least for me. gosh i remember almost failing physics in high school because i refused to give up and drop the class. not one of my smartest moments in life, but definitely one that reminds me that i have a tendency to see things through to the end (even if i should have quit earlier). so this morning, when i realized that what was keeping me from sleeping these past few nights was anxiety, i found comfort here:
phil. 4:4-7 – rejoice in the Lord always. i will say it again: Rejoice! let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near. do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
matt. 6:31-34 – therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘what shall we eat?’ or ‘what shall we drink?’ or ‘what shall we wear?’ for the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
eep.
love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right
okay so maybe i am in love with the Red album. whatever. the past few months, i’ve been realizing just how true this statement is. stay with me here, i know that some of you are already zoning out after realizing i’m using song lyrics as headers.
i’ve never been a fan of the game. or the concept that relationships beyond friendships are played like a game. but as i’ve gotten older and maybe a bit wiser (maybe), i can’t deny that there is an element of game playing to the whole thing. say it aint so! i wish i could. but when you have people who don’t have a foundation of friendship to go off of, there’s a lot of learning about the other person, figuring out when to give and take, and balancing openness with being guarded. blegh. i’m not so great at the game.
but these past few months and dare i say, year, i’ve seen what can happen when people don’t “play it good and right”. whether it’s been in my own life or in my friends’ lives, it doesn’t matter. i’ve seen how ruthless love (or the game of love) can be on people’s hearts. immaturity or uncertainty can cause a lot of damage, even if the long term damage isn’t obvious right away. at first it’s pretty clear, the tears and the anger reflect a heart that’s been hurt. but it goes beyond that and can seriously effect how that person views and approaches future relationships. while exercising caution and protecting one’s heart is so necessary, it can go to the extreme and result in walls that are built to keep anything and everyone out.
i’ve seen myself do that. it’s so hard for me to not take my experience with one person and then just assume everyone else is like that. unfortunately the pattern has been just that, which has only confirmed my inaccurate opinion that everything is the same for everyone. i guess the good thing is that i realize i do that, and that i have a great arsenal of guy friends who constantly lay the verbal smackdown and remind me that i’m being unfair. and i think i am starting to see that they’re right. whats true for one, or two… or even five people… doesn’t make it true for everyone.
***
living in grace? it’s a great place to be.
look before you fall 