clear eyes, full hearts… can’t lose

roomie would be so proud. she’s been on a Friday Night Lights kick and has managed to pull me in with her. it took me a few episodes to really get into FNL, but im a fan for life now! while we disagree on which boy we love the most (she’s all for Riggins, i’m a huge Saracen fan), we love everything about the show – the drama, the game, and of course, Tami Taylor. i also love the Panthers’ motto: clear eyes, full hearts… can’t lose.

just blink a few times.

ahhh clarity. we all wish we could have it about everything. life, love… those are the big two (especially since life pretty much covers anything). so often i’ve prayed for clarity, especially when it comes to relationships. i think i constantly seek clarity in that area of my life because i really don’t know what i’m doing otherwise. but often the clarity comes in an answer that i was either not expecting or did not want.

eventually it all makes sense and i see why God chose to provide clarity in the way that he did. and surprisingly, clarity is the one thing that i’ve prayed for that God has so obviously answered. actually, by ‘surprisingly’, i mean ‘ironically’. it’s ironic because i always get clarity when i least expect it. did i already mention that? and when that clarity hits me, i rarely recognize it as clarity at first… resulting in a downward spiral of emotional trauma where i land in a heap on the floor. okay that was a tad bit overdramatic. but as you know, i react to things with every ounce of emotional energy i have at my disposal. i used to think of it as a frustrating aspect of my personality, but now i’m okay with it.

to the brim.

sorry about the lack of transition here. there are two ways that you could look at what “full heart” means.

the first: filled to the brim, or containing the maximum amount (i may have pulled that from the dictionary). this is along the lines of a full cup, where there is no more room for anything else because it is full.

the second: complete. as in, the whole, or the full. this is when you’re staring at your computer screen wondering why half of someone’s face is cut off in a picture, and then you zoom out and say, ‘oh there’s the full picture’.

i like both definitions. and regardless of which one you’re using, both indicate that the entirety is necessary. ideally, we would have full hearts all the time. unfortunately, life is life and there is no way to prevent hearts from being broken. the problem is that we’re relying on relationships and people for a full heart. there is something to be said for relying on people, don’t get me wrong, i do it all the time. but people are human, and humans will disappoint. even the most well-intentioned, kind hearted person will let someone down.

but clarity is always for the best. i’m a big fan of processing through things, even if i look like an idiot doing so. because i know that if i don’t deal with whatever it is that is frustrating me or pissing me off, i’ll never be able to get back my heart as a whole. and usually, that process involves a lot of talking it out with God and waiting for more clarity.

on your behalf.

now i can just see what you are thinking… what is with this wommmmp of a scatterbrained blog post? during Christmas, no doubt? well, don’t worry. it’ll all make sense in a second…

in my room at my parents house, i have this little whiteboard from two years ago when i did the breaking free study by beth moore. i cant really remember why, but we each wrote a verse on the whiteboard as a reminder. i think there were actually a series of verses we were supposed to do this with over the course of the study, but i only made it past the first verse. and what a verse it is:

since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. – is. 64:4

a God who acts on behalf of me? what does that even mean? i looked up the definition of “on behalf of” and essentially it means as a representative of or in the interest of, someone who intercedes. that is a beautiful, beautiful statement. it means that in the good times, in the bad times, in times of clarity and times of confusion, my God, who knows me better than i know myself and who knows what is beneficial and what is harmful to me, is acting on my behalf when i wait for him. okay that last part is key, because we all know patience is not a virtue that comes naturally to me.

so this past year i’ve been learning a lot about what it means to wait. mostly learning that i rarely get answers when i want them, but always when i need them. and as a result of my recent obsession with the book of lamentations, i stumbled across this gem:

the Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore i will hope in him. the Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. – lam. 3:24-25

gosh that book is SO good. and it’s always going to be a steep learning curve, but i’m trying to internalize this truth. if i wait on the Lord and put my hope in him, he always acts on my behalf and for my good even if i don’t understand at the moment (i mean, God was acting on our behalf thousands of years ago when he sent his son to die for our sins).

now where was i going with that… oh RIGHT.
trusting for clarity from the Lord, hoping in Him wholeheartedly… you can’t lose.