but really?

i understand the irony of this post. i know that the fairytale ending that so many movies (and Taylor Swift songs) have is not reality – that’s just the rule, not the exception. and yet i love Swift’s song lyrics simply because she is a lyrical genius when it comes to expressing the female emotions of love and heartbreak.

some of my faves?

sparks fly – cuz i see sparks fly whenever you smile, get me with those green eyes baby as the lights go down
fearless – and i dunno if it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first fearless | and i dunno why but with you i’d dance in a storm in my best dress fearless
enchanted – please don’t be in love with someone else | please don’t have somebody waiting on you
forever and always – once upon a time, i believe it was a Tuesday when i caught your eye | we caught on to something, i hold on to the night you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
you’re not sorry – all this time i was waitin hopin you would come around | i’ve been givin out chances every time and all you do is let me down

i could definitely go on and on listing some of my favorite lines from her songs. i’m telling you, there is just something therapeutic about belting out these lyrics in the car. especially if it’s dark and raining.

but T-Sweezy isn’t the only one who doles out these magical, yet unrealistic pictures of relationships and love. let’s just start thinking about all the romantic comedies that exist (and even dramas – like twilight) and not to mention all the Disney movies that portray love in a very idealistic and whimsical manner. and while my favorite chick flicks include movies like Because I Said So, The Holiday, and How to Lose a Guy in 10 days, my all time favorite is My Best Friends Wedding. one of the only movies that i can recall where it ends poorly for the main character.

every so often i have to fast from certain taylor swift songs. that sound weird? for about three months i completely stopped listening to her song “Enchanted”, mostly because i was realizing that, once again, i was falling into that fairytale mindset – aka the Disney complex. i  mean, for real. the song talks about catching someone’s eye from across the room, him being so intrigued that he comes over, witty and playful banter starts, and its the most amazing evening that the only words to describe it is “sparkling” and “flawless”, with the only response being blushing, dancing around, and being wonder struck. gosh who wouldn’t want a love story like that?

i’ll be honest. i’d LOVE a love story like that. literally right out of a fairytale or a movie. but as i’ve gotten older, i realize (and know) that the likelihood of that happening is pretty slim. in fact, i don’t think that i would necessarily want that. okay i realize i just contradicted myself but bear with me.

i know a fairytale story like the ones in movies or in t-sweezy songs are not the greatest idea. first, it implies that love and life-long happiness can be affirmed and achieved in a chance meeting or extended eye contact. it also paints a picture of a perfect relationship, where both need the other and the imperfections of human nature disappear. hmmm i’m pretty sure there is only one place to find that kind of love…

but it sets the relationship up for failure! if a girl and a guy are in a relationship and expect it to be all rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, and tiny red hearts, they have got some disappointing times ahead of them. it sets the bar TOO unrealistically high and with no possible way of always achieving those expectations, the relationship can crash and burn.

anyway. i got to thinking, there has got to be a way to find some sort of healthy balance between the fairytale thinking and putting up walls to protect yourself. i’m not even sure if those are the two ends of the spectrum but this all makes sense in my head. but there is some sort of dangerous cycle that exists, where girls expect a fairytale ending (i blame the entertainment industry) and when they don’t get it, they slowly start to close up. yet they still long for a fairytale but after so many hurts and rejections are unable to emotionally open up, or are scared to, because the next time just might break them.

or think about it this way. think of a vase: once it breaks the first time, even if you glue it back together perfectly there are still cracks making it easier to break the second time. even if you protect the vase with your life, even the slightest exposure to a hit can easily cause it to shatter. so what then?

go get ‘em v. make ‘em come to you

i was just having this conversation with a good friend of mine. okay so i may have had this conversation with several people… but i was basically venting that i feel like because i am more of a “make em come to you” type person, that i miss out because there are others who are more bold than i am with being up front with guys. yes yes, back to relationships.

whenever i try to be aggressive, i freak the guy out. if i’m too chill, i’m in the friend zone or ignored. and if i try to stiff-arm someone, in rare instances they will for some reason take that as a sign to keep trying. and will persistently keep trying… i mean, what? how do you balance things? do i just keep tried and true to what i’m comfortable with? or do i try to adapt to what other people do? i mean, 9 times out of 10 when i try to do things the way other people do them, it blows up in my face…

and while i believe that everyone kind of has their own way of going about things, i believe that for me personally, even though i constantly doubt my own methods, that letting the guy pursue is the best thing to do. but not pursue in the way like it was brought to you by Disney… but pursue in a Godly way. so instead of kicking myself for not being more vocal about something or regretting not being more aggressive (HA. i’m definitely not that…), i’ll just keep on believing that God’s doing something great, no matter what circumstance i find myself in.

and as for those fairytale endings? the prince who comes to rescue the damsel in distress? the courageous and valient fight that wins her heart over? the adoring attentiveness? those long, passionate kisses in the rain? those singing animals?

… well that only happens in movies and taylor swift songs

how it was.

it has been a really long time since i’ve updated this thing! it’s not that i haven’t wanted to (we all know how much i love verbally processing…), it’s just that KBG and i have not gotten internet at our apartment yet… nor do we really want to. well, okay that’s probably not true. i love the internet! but we definitely don’t need it. the only thing i’d get it for now is Netflix (and let’s be serious, i just use someone else’s password so…)

but a lot of things have gone down since i last posted! i mean, the biggest news has been that i got an iPhone. balla. it’s nice, given my intense love of social media and all things networking. the thing that i probably love the most about it is the camera, or more specifically, Instagram. oh it’s just amazing! my poor facebook friends keep getting constant instagram updates.

but beyond that, my life has been pretty chill. the drama has eluded me, thank goodness, and i’ve had a lot of time to spend with good friends. unfortunately, when my life is drama free my song-writing ability also drops… drama = lyrics. but of course, just as i’m right in the rhythm of being okay where i’m at, things do a little shifting and change begins once again.

sometimes i reread my old posts. and sometimes i can’t even look at them i’m so embarrassed! not that i was ever TOO overdramatic, but i definitely made use of the blog to really try to figure out what the heck was going on and determine what the Lord was trying to teach me through it all. but again, hindsight is 20/20 and looking back i’m just like, WHAT? what were you THINKING?! oh LOLz.

but i pretty much came to a point where i think God was just telling me to be still. not necessarily LITERALLY sit and be still because i’m pretty sure that wouldn’t last long. no, my busyness was getting out of hand and i was not content with a lack of change. it was just like “stop. be still. just be.” so i did. and it’s been quite an amazing few months of learning to be content where i’m at and finding joy in the Lord. okay there was that one day that i read revelation 8-9 right before i went to bed and it was more so terrifying then calming. but other than that, it’s been a good ride

not only have i just been more rested, but there’s something beautiful about contentment that once you’ve experienced it, you want it. i had always had a hard time with being content because i thought contentment was the same as being comfortable. and i know that as believers we are not called to be comfortable. so i was like, isn’t contentment bad? that means i’m too comfortable. but for me, it is most definitely not the same thing. i like these verses the best when it comes to summing up what ive learned these past few months:

phil. 4.11 – not that i am speaking of being in need, for i have learned in whatever situation i am to be content
1 cor. 7.24 – so, brothers (and sisters), in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God

i love it. not that it’s easy. in fact, pretty sure every aspect of this world is directly adverse to contentment. it’s all about wanting more. but i’ve found that even when i don’t want to spend time in the word or am feeling particularly prickly one day, i still try to find joy in the Lord. and i think he honors that

how it could have been.

i look back on my train of thought a few months ago and am so thankful that i am not at that place anymore. except sometimes i digress. like this week. blegh. even realizing that i still fall prey to those stupid old lies makes me pissed. have i shared this before? i can’t remember. want some harsh reality about the lies that i believe? here goes:

sometimes i think God punishes me for being really cautious with my relationships.

as therapeutic as that would have been if i’d been keeping that inside, i’ve already told several people about that struggle. that’s what i love about my friends and it’s been a while since that lie has creeped into my mind, but recently it made an appearance and i was once again forced to really look at what i believe about myself and what i believe about who God is as a creator. and once again i am so thankful for good friends who understand my struggles but are not afraid to speak some pretty real truth into my life (gosh was that redundant?).

i won’t go into details about that lie that i believe, other than the fact that i know its a lie. but it’s unfortunate when circumstances seem to affirm the lie… which leads me to the final piece of this post – are you still following? i think i’ve been less ADHD with this post!

perspective.

i love learning about grace and mercy. is it the lawyer in me? probably not…

anyway. in the past when ive gotten too wrapped up in the complications of relationships, i would question the goodness of God. wondering why everything was going wrong, why nothing would ever work out, whether i’d ever get out of that damn friend zone… and then had a bit of a perspective shift.

i dunno if it was J or KBG, or WHO said it to me… but i think it was after i decided to go on Man Fast 2.0 (maybe i’ll share more about that later) in May and June. one of my good friends just turns to me and is like, you know maybe the reason why things never work out with these guys is because God is protecting you from hurt and frustration.

ruh roh. someone is speaking truth into my life. i love that perspective. i love seeing God as a gracious and merciful God. and while the nuances of grace and mercy sometimes escape me, it is a lot easier to let go of frustration knowing that God is being gracious and stopping hurt before it starts. well, let me be a little more specific.

in the past i’ve looked at grace as something that God gives. that he has and decides to dole out at his will. but, God is grace. just like God is love or God is good. it is who he is. it’s a part of his character. he cannot not be gracious because it is who he is. and grace became real when Christ came to earth. i mean for real. WHAT? grace is all from God.

so whenever there’s a failed relationship or another guy who drops me into that friend zone, it’s not punishment or some sort of twisted lesson i’m supposed to learn. it’s God in his all-knowing, all-loving being looking at me and saying, i am protecting you from what you don’t even KNOW would be coming. i’m saving you from nights of crying and months of frustration, from days of questioning and hurtful words. from taking five steps back when you could be moving forward. — i mean if that’s not an experience of God’s grace, i’m not sure what is.

oh addendums…

HA i don’t care if that post didnt make sense! it was necessary for me to process through some of the things i’ve been learning!

but my final comment on this post is that i love reading A.W. tozer. or how i have begun calling him in my head, A Dubbs. do it. go read Knowledge of the Holy. it gets better every time.

does anyone else feel this way?

so it’s friday morning. i realize i should be on my way to work, but i mean, it IS friday (be thankful i’m not breaking out into that obnoxious song right about now) and i technically got up earlier today so i’m justified in pounding out a post before my day starts!

it’s been pretty clear to me recently that the Lord is trying to teach me something. he does that quite a bit, sometimes the lessons are a little more subtle and sometimes they hit me like a sack of bricks (goll does anyone even use that analogy anymore!?). but yes. recently it’s been pretty clear through random scripture, random encouragement, and just the conflictions in my heart that the Lord is teaching me about something that he’s been trying to teach me about for years: patience.

it’s kind of funny how things will just pop up here and there about waiting on the Lord. just in general, words from friends have been “wait. give it some time.” and while that is all well and good, being in the middle of some sort of craptastic life event doesn’t make swallowing those words any easier. but then add in about a dozen random scripture references from messages, podcasts, and randomly opening up my Bible and it becomes pretty clear.

then this morning as i was getting ready, i glanced down at my hand. i tend to write a word on my hand so i see it… this can be any word like ‘bold’ or my more popular drawing of a red heart (think Because I Said So). but yesterday at work i had temporarily tattooed myself with the word ‘wait’. and when i saw that, i was instantly brought back to freshman year of college when God first made it clear that i needed to learn what patience was and what it meant to wait on Him.

sometimes my life feels like a movie. not in the awesome, everything works out, everything is perfect sort of way… but more like someone keeps pressing the back button on my life and i keep reliving the same thing over and over and over again. not the rewind button where you can watch it go backwards at 2x speed, 4x speed, or whoops-i-accidentally-rewound-to-the-beginning-in-2-seconds speed. but the back button that brings you back to the beginning of whatever chapter you happen to be in. because sometimes it feels like i’m in the same situation, just different place, different people. hence, why i truly believe that God is still trying to get me to to have faith in his timing.

so i thought i’d share a song that i wrote freshman year, about waiting. it’s kind of funny because i was singing it to myself the rest of the time that i got ready and was like, oh dang. this is exactly how i’m feeling now! even the circumstances that led me to write that song are the same! YIKES. it’s also the very first song i wrote… so enjoy -

its days like today that i feel so alone
and days like today bring me down
i can’t see the plan that You have for me
so i run on ahead to see

but You say:
“wait for me. and i’ll give you peace.
wait for me, cuz i know
its hard to see what I’ve got in store
so at times like these, just wait for me.”

i run ahead and i cast you aside
and i can’t see my life through your eyes
as my plans start to fail and my all’s not enough
i hold fast to your promises

cuz You say:
“wait for me, and i’ll give you peace.
wait for me, cuz i know
it’s hard to see what i’ve got in store
so at times like these, just wait for me.”

sometimes i run ahead of You
and burdens get the best of me
but then i think of what You said
and hear you gently calling me
to wait.

“have faith in me, and i’ll give you peace
have faith in me, cuz i know
in time you’ll see what i’ve got in store
so at times like these, have faith…”

i’ll wait for you, and i’ll have faith
i’ll wait for you, cuz i know
it’s hard to see what You’ve got in store
so at times like these, i’ll wait…
so at times like these, i’ll put my faith…
so at times like these, i’ll wait for You.

really. how is it that i constantly forget how many blessings come out of waiting on the Lord’s timing? i dunno. i’m sure i’ll always be learning this lesson. good thing the Lord is merciful and abounding in grace.

control.

i was all set to write a post on my weekend in Jersey and some of the thoughts i had coming out of it. but sometimes i need to pound out into writing what i’m thinking in my head otherwise i can’t think straight in general, so here goes.

i’ve really been convicted lately to relinquish control. now, anyone who knows me knows that i’m typically the opposite of controlling, in fact sometimes i go TOO far in the opposite direction towards what i like to call utterly unconscious. okay, not unconscious, but i’m pretty “go with the flow” when it comes to life and things like that. in fact, adaptability is one of my strengths (according to strengths finders…) and i would say that’s pretty much true. all except in one specific area of my life: relationships.

which funny, is a HUGE part of my life. you hear me say time and time again on this public journal that i am an incredibly relational person. in fact, i won’t hesitate dropping what i have going on if one of my friends needs me. i just think in the long run, relationships have the biggest impact on human beings since at our core, we all want to be loved.

sorry if that was cheesy. but so true. surprisingly, such a large area of my life is one area that i have a lot of difficulty giving up to God. that’s not to say that i don’t try. because i definitely try daily to let go of that control and really trust God for things. but let’s be serious. i’m human and i’m also female (not to knock females… i’m just sayin we are emotional beings). but in all the time i’ve had over the past few weeks to really try to understand why it’s so difficult for me to let go of the control in this particular area of my life, i realize that it’s not something unique to my situation… we all do it.

1. past experiences – this is probably the number one reason why i doubt God’s goodness in this area of my life. i just look back at some of the hurt and frustration and that’s all i know. i automatically think people are going to disappoint me and let me down, and even though i try to prepare myself for it (worst-case scenario girl right here), it does little to ease the pain when it happens over and over again. is it fair to assume that each situation is like that? no. but when it becomes routine it’s hard to break free of that mentality.

2. okay i lied. i can’t think of a second reason…

brokenness.

being broken means that something isn’t working properly or it’s not the way it should be. and being a broken person is lonely, painful, and most of all feels hopeless. and while i’ve probably only experienced brokenness once or twice, those experiences have been the result of relationships that have gone wrong. i mean relationships in general (though relationships like dating relationships definitely still count).

in those times of utter frustration (i tend to want to throw things at walls and take long, LOOOOONG drives), it can be really easy to lose focus and to start wallowing in what i’m missing. thankfully the last time this happened (i may or may not have been slightly hyperventilating in my cube at work), a good friend took the time to verbally smack me in the face. he called me out on quite a few things that were really just truth and reality and made me realize that i was most definitely focusing on the wrong things. and when focus shifts from God to everything else, it just goes downhill from there.

but even with that verbal smackdown, i still find myself falling for the same tricks, believing the same lies. because it’s easy to do that when all signs seem to point to those lies being true. the hardest part has been coming to terms with things not always going how i imagined they would. and then a step out from there, really trusting that the Lord knows what he’s doing. and even though in the past, things have been a certain way… it doesnt mean that things will always be that way.

OH FOR BEING VAGUE. i’m trying really hard to keep it general mostly because this is something i deal with every. single. day. and after a long conversation with my bestie today about this, it’s kind of like, well what now?

promises.

whenever i realize that i am believing lies, the only way to combat that is truth. that was almost a duh moment. ALMOST. but even repeating promises to myself can sometimes just become a ritual, and the head knowledge fails to seep down into my heart to where i truly believe what i’m saying. the bleak reminder is that when i don’t believe those promises, i’m not taking God at his word. and THAT reminds me that i’m not believing who God is… did i do that post about God’s goodness and how i sometimes don’t believe that he gives good things to me? hmmmm…. i can’t remember. if not, i’ll have to take that on later this week.

anyway. some promises that i find myself repeating:

• james 1.17 – every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows
• psalm 34.4 –  i sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears
• joshua 23.14 – you know in all your hearts and in all your souls, that not one thing has failed of all the good things which the Lord your God spoke concerning; all are come to pass and not one thing has failed
• psalm 27.14 – wait upon the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait I say on the Lord.

just a good reminder since i tend to forget. all the time.

and there are days where things are good and things are bad. ebbs and flows. and for me, that’s totally okay. because even if it feels right now like i’m trusting the Lord, i know in my mind that He is faithful and gives all good things. now if only my heart would catch up to my head…

ultimately, i just keep reminding myself that there is no such thing as broken promises when it comes to God.

thanks s. for suggesting i put this at the end of all my posts…

that’s not going to happen but i WILL post it now! just be glad i’m not dedicating an entire written post to this clip

don’t hate the player..

**i’d like to preface this post by noting that it isn’t coming from me because something emotionally traumatic happened. i just have had quite a few conversations with friends that centered on this topic and so per the usual, i wanted to share my rambling thoughts**

someone once told me to survive the world of dating, i had to play the game.

well. i don’t play games.

what does that even mean anyway? i had a conversation with a good friend about games the guys and girls play when they’re interested in someone or trying to get interested in someone, and frankly, it’s a flippin mess. let’s see if i can even break this down.

here’s how it apparently works.

guy likes girl
guy is interested in girl
guy starts to show interest in girl
girl responds
guy acts disinterested to see if girl is interested
girl does the same
this continues for a while until
girl gets fed up and overreacts
guy takes overreaction as girl being too aggressive
guy backs off
girl gets pissed and stereotypes all men to be pigs

hmm. was that an unfair summary? it was sorry. but i’ve been having some sort of brain fart this week, wondering why the heck we all aren’t just a tiny bit more honest with each other. i’ll be the first (okay maybe not the first…) to admit that some games are necessary. i mean it’s a defense mechanism for most, in order to protect ourselves from being too vulnerable too quickly. that in of itself is smart, since it’s really not the best idea to go around spouting love poems and giving your heart away to just anyone! but isn’t there some sort of balance?!

the dilemma.

here’s what i’ve seen happen. i’ll be honest, i tend to be super oblivious if a guy is interested in me. or if i do catch wind of it and i don’t want to give the guy the wrong impression, i friendship stiff arm him until he gets the idea. and you can ask anyone who knows me well: friendship stiff arming is something i’ve got down to an art. it’s pretty much second nature by this point!

and this is something i’ve noticed happening to many of my friends. guys like to pursue the girl. i get it and i’m all for it! there’s nothing like being pursued by a legit dude (heck, how do you think Disney movies and chick flicks make so much money!?). but then it gets the point where the girl is like… hmmm okay i should probably show some interest back! but when she does, the guy backs off and loses interest because the chase is over. this just begins the beautiful cycle, only perpetuated by the belief that men have short attention spans and women are overdramatic and overemotional. great right?

so listen up.

i told my good guy friend N this when he questioned whether or not to be honest with a girl. PLEASE please please do it. whatever rumor was started that says girls would rather guys just keep them guessing is NOT true. hear that?

girls would rather guys be up front with them about what’s going on. and i don’t mean in general. i mean relationally.

okay okay. again i’m not saying that guys should just tell girls they’re interested right away. no. that’s where playing the game comes in. ya gotta make sure that there’s some mutual interest right? but at some point, girls just need guys to be straightforward and say, hey i’m interested in getting to know you better. OR hey your’e a super awesome friend but i’d like to keep it that way.

scenario 1: girl likes guy. guy seems interested in girl. girl and guy flirt flirt and flirt some more.. the usual~ this goes on for maybe a month or two. girl is starting to wonder if guy is actually interested in something more or if he’s just using her as some sort of emotional crutch. but girl knows that if she asks questions, guy may think she’s on some sort of manhunt and pull away. so girl keeps quiet while all these questions about where is this going and does he even like me are eating her soul slowly. guy continues on. one day, girl snaps and things explode, not going as planned. guy sees girl as crazy and backs off and girl is now alone. wouldn’t it have just been easier if the guy had been up front about it all in the beginning?!

it may seem harsh, but let’s be serious. we’d all rather have the pain be like ripping off a band-aid: short and semi-sweet. dragging it on until the cows come home will only make it worse for everyone AND keep perpetuating that stereotype we women have of men

but we get it guys. it’s not easy being honest with a girl about how you feel. we know it takes a lot of guts and we totally respect you for it. it’s a mark of a man. even more so, how men handle rejection is just another testament to their studliness (mark it guys. it’s true). But i’m in the same boat. rejection is something that i personally try to avoid at all costs. but life is life and rejection is all a part of that. it’s what you do with it that counts… hopefully

–what am i trying to say? i’m never really sure. that’s the beauty of blogging.

okay i thought about it. here’s my end thoughts before i collapse in a heap of exhausted mess.

the game exists for a reason. so play the game, but don’t let relationships become all about the game.

threats…

oh you were just waiting for another post from me that really tells you how i REALLY feel about men, relationships and dating i can SEE it in your eyes!

okay just kidding. well not really… life has really been going by fast. it’s hard to believe that it’s almost mid-April. so many milestones! KBG and i moved to St Paul and our apartment is FINALLY getting itself together (mostly after a trip to ikea today)… i’ve been working at TR for almost 6 months (holee)… i’ve been a lawyer for a half a year. friends have come and gone (though friendships have stayed beautifully intact) and i’m learning a lot more about balance and life.

so i’ve been threatening a few of my friends lately that if they tried to set me up with one more person i’d write a blog post about me + dating. and since they’ve still continued to pick out guys for me…

i love my friends and i love that they love to recommend possible guys for me to date. but in all honestly, i’m perfectly fine where i’m at. OKAY that may have been a teeny tiny lie. it is difficult when all of your friends are in serious relationships, engaged, or married. for me it just reminds me that it’s still not the right time for me. … yay?

i got into a semi debate with a friend about me not really knowing what i want. and hey. i’ll be the first to admit after a few bad relationships and a few missteps here and there that i really don’t know what i want. i guess i can add to that the realization that i also sometimes don’t realize what i really need. but one thing i do think i know (notice i said THINK… because half the time i’m wrong anyway): i know what i don’t want. and you know me…

and then my friend was like, do you REALLY know what you don’t want? or do you just think you know? just like you used to think you knew what you wanted? and that is a fair enough question. i probably don’t know anything at this point. and if you add in the exhaustion, work, time to spend with friends, and everything else in between, i’m probably just running around like a chicken with its head cut off (i’m pretty sure that’s not the first time i’ve used that analogy to describe myself). so, per the usual, i’ll be taking it one day at a time, THANK YOU! and relying on my gut instinct and pushing unanswered questions off the table.

so maybe another time i’ll share my new-and-improved thoughts on men, dating, and relationships i know you are counting down the days!

reality bites.

***written a month ago***
alright so i started this post a few days ago and was going to finish it the same day i started it BUT was told some unexpected, but not surprising news. one of the guys that i had dated just got engaged. and seriously congrats to him! our breakup was foreseen and mutual and his fiancee is honestly probably the best chick for him, hands down. but i still had a moment where i was like… WHAT? he’ s engaged?! i haven’t even dated since we broke up! (probably completely my fault since i tend to a) be really awkward about dating and b) go after the wrong guys…) BUT STILL. talk about a semi-depressing dose of reality!

it was mostly just because i used to believe i’d never find a guy as solid as him. but funny because around the time i got the news J had sent me this Relevant magazine article with a quote that made me realize i was thinking about things the wrong way.

“some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without”

so he was good enough for me. but could i live without him? sure. i realized there was someone else that couldn’t live without him and someone else he couldn’t live without.

but then i had another brief moment of panic. what if the person i think i can’t live without decides that he can live without me? what then? i mean, i completely understand that time heals all wounds (for the most part…) but how frustrating would that be?

i guess it all comes down to what i’m trusting God for. it’s definitely easier to say than to actually do and i’m pretty sure that i have to daily surrender my fear and unbelief in this area of my life (which is pretty frustrating in and of itself).

so here’s to the guy that i can’t live without… whoever you are.

and now…

i think i’m borderline delirious right now… i hate admitting when i’m sick or exhausted because to me that means admitting that i need a break. and that i’ve epically failed at balancing my life. i know that seems sort of dramatic, but i really don’t like admitting that i can’t handle things.

unfortunately this weekend i reached the apex of my ability to mask whatever sickness i’ve contracted… about a week and a half ago i felt something coming on, so i started pounding the theraflu and telling myself that it would go away on its own. that worked until this past weekend when, on Saturday afternoon, i felt like i was teetering between conscious and being in a coma at work. but i was still fighting it. however when i got home i succumbed to the pressure in my head and went to sleep at 5:30pm. probably would have slept until morning but was woken up by my mom who was concerned, and rightly so, about my health and need for sustenance.

Sunday i was tricked into thinking i was feeling much better. but that combined with the epic snowstorm, part 123901283 this year… pretty much wiped me out. throw in some painful cough attacks and a massive headache, and that’s what today was. BLEGH. needless to say, i’ve spent most of today curled up in bed, crying through an episode of chuck and tearing up watching Bolt. that being said. I AM SICK.

i’ve figured out, it’s a combination of being stressed and overcommitting. in fact, one thing that forced me to slow down was stress. my lower jaw is in PAIN because i’ve been clenching my teeth together. no buens! but it’s all good. sometimes i think God uses moments like these to be like, “rest”. okay well when it comes to getting through to me, it’s more like “SIT DOWN. QUIET YOUR HEART. AND REST!!!!!!!!!!!!”.

oh Mitch Hedberg. always providing the perfect road-trip bonding moment… especially when you’re driving through flat land or just really boring cities.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house.
“Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”

aka. when life gives you lemons, make lemonade! one of those sayings that have been around FOREVER. this little gem from mitch is just great. i may have taken out one of his f-bombs but still, the point of the joke is there. and while most people may not take life lessons from Mitch Hedberg, i think this particular joke of his is something i can relate to.

sometimes i think that i view God as this being that likes to test me with my circumstances, holding back his blessings until i learn whatever it is he wants me to learn. but really, it’s all about being faithful with whatever He’s given me. okay i’m already sensing that this post is slightly disjointed due to the amount of nyquil that’s already been introduced into my system, so bear with me!

lost in the woods? build a house. AKA you take whatever situation you find yourself in, and then you improve your predicament! translation. recently i wonder just what exactly God is up to in my life right now. but sometimes you just have to walk by faith day by day and do with life what you can. i personally don’t think that God will always hand you what you want or what you need, but a lot of times just puts the tools and supplies in front of you and is like, DO SOMETHING!

it reminds me of that story (i heard it from Pastor Peter – and i’m pretty sure i’m about to butcher it) where a flood has taken over a town and one man is sitting on his roof as the waters are rising. he’s praying that God save him from the flood. as he’s waiting, a man passes by on a raft and is like, need some help? the man on the roof waves him by and is like, no thanks God will rescue me! a guy in a boat passes next and offers to help, but once again the man says no. finally as the waters are rising, one more boat comes by to save him and he says, God will save me. he perishes in the floodwaters. when he gets before God he asks God why he didnt’ rescue him during the flood and God response is, i sent three boats!

okay so again sorry if i butchered that. but it just reminds me that God doesn’t always come down to rescue me in a flurry of thunder and lightening. and sometimes when i seek direction or wisdom, He doesn’t necessarily speak to me in a still, small voice. thank goodness for the Bible. because in many of those moments, He gives us what we need to trust Him and respond.

so my point is, if you’re lost in the woods, it’s probably necessary to pray that God provides a way for you to get un-lost. but while you’re at it, you may as well build a shelter for the time being. it doesn’t mean you’re giving up or not trusting the Lord, it just means that you’re doing what you can with what’s in front of you. and who knows. if you’re rescued the next day, someone else who’s lost may stumble upon the shelter you’ve already built.

other random thoughts

i’ve been super blessed by the women’s ministry our church has launched. it’s been amazing seeing what God has been doing even in the past three weeks! but the girls at my table were discussing life and other fun things

two things struck me

1. patience – aka, i am incredibly impatient.
2. Most of the time God’s plans are way way WAY beyond what we can imagine. complexities that only he understands, and we sometimes grasp afterwards. half the time we have no idea what sort of amazing path he’s weaving because we just don’t see it until we’ve got a better view from higher up!

dear 21-year-old chick.

**for some reason, i just got to thinking about what i would say to myself five years ago. as i just turned 26, i realize how different i was when i turned 21. the last five years just flew by… and let’s be honest, getting a message from the future you could be kind of cool so if i could, this is what i would say to myself, five years ago…

happy 21st birthday. as you take a break from enjoying the perks of turning 21, aka… alcohol… i just wanted to encourage you as you continue to survive this crazy journey called life. i may only be 5 years down the road from where you are, but a lot will happen that will shape and mold you to become even more of who you were made to be. it’s a rough road, but so far it’s totally worth it.

friends.

youre currently surrounded by some strong men and women of God. the past three years in Crusade have probably been some of the most pivotal years in your walk with the Lord. learning about God’s heart for the world, yet also learning about the need for Him here.

you don’t know it yet. but the girl who was randomly matched as your roommate, and who is currently still your roommate, will become one of your best friends. your friendship will be something to cherish. you’ll see each other through breakups, frustrations, victories, and breakthroughs.

the next five years will also bring you many new friends, including some really awesome people from law school. you’ll spend an amazing summer in Santa Monica (oh yes… you heard me) living on the beach and living with 10 other crazy awesome people. lifelong friendships will be formed and even though you’ll all part ways at the end of the summer, they’ll always be there for you.

also you may have heard rumblings about a brand new church that has just been planted called Substance. get ready, because that church will also play a huge role in your life in five years.

relationships.

let’s see… 21 years old. if i remember correctly, you just broke up with a guy you were dating for 8 months. wait… 6 months? see i can’t even remember. the next five years will bring a lot of ups and downs with guys. dont’ be afraid to be open and willing to get to know people. don’t let past relationships dictate the decisions you make in the future.

in fact you’ll meet a pretty stellar guy. and even though in the end you two won’t be meant for each other, he’ll up the bar for any other future boyfriend and will teach you so much. not just about what you look for and want in a hubbster, but also a lot about who you are. don’t let your identity rest on what the opposite sex thinks about you. it’ll take too much time, effort, and emotion to worry about that.

and even though at 26 i still don’t have it figured out, i’ve learned that it’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen, the way it’s planned to happen. yeah yeah, i know that’s not all that encouraging. but take heart – being single is nothing to be afraid of! so don’t sweat the small stuff

life lessons.

oh how life will surprise you! you’ve spent so many years working towards going to law school, becoming a lawyer, and ultimately changing the world. it’ll be crazy because getting into law school will feel like the accomplishment of your life. let me tell you, it’ll be so much MORE amazing when you get that diploma… and absolutely surreal when you take that oath to become an attorney (and yes. it does happen!). remember to stay true to yourself and to be yourself. because in the end that’s what’s going to make a difference. believe you me.

once you graduate, you’ll start working. it’s crazy. whoever thought that a 9-5 would be in our future! but it is. thanks to that crazy but amazing summer in california, your love for networking and social media will explode. don’t worry, it won’t suck the life out of you. in fact, your job is fun and you’ll be surrounded by some incredibly talented and intelligent people. learn what you can in any situation you may find yourself in, and when it’s over you’ll always come through a better person.

… and most importantly.

God. your whole life you’ve lived a faith that was set before you, with parents who understood the importance of faith and really drove it into your head. but these next five years will define how you make your faith your own. no longer will your parents be around to always encourage you. and life will only get more challenging and frustrating as you try to walk the path where God can most effectively use you for his kingdom.

you came out of some dark days and may think that that period of your life will always serve as a reminder of God’s faithfulness. but life can throw some wicked curveballs, and you’ll find yourself doubting His goodness and trusting in your own abilities. it may seem like it’s working for a while, but eventually you’ll discover that you really have absolutely no control over anything.

He’ll do what he needs to do, whether or not you’re paying attention or willingly following his call. that’s both comforting and a little bit frightening all at the same time! but as you continue to trust (and really trust. not just say you are and then trying to do it all on your own), be encouraged by this:

whom have I in heaven but you?
and there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

for behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
but for me it is good to be near God;
i have made the Lord God my refuge,
that i may tell of all your works.

it’s not about you. just remember that as you take things too seriously, take things too personally, and take things for granted. enjoy life and seek after the Lord in everything you do. because He is SO faithful. promise.

 

21 and still young

26... and still learning

memory lane.

‎“eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers…
these completely different people who just happen to look like us”

i’ve recently jumped on the bandwagon of people who love the show How I Met Your Mother. Not only is it funny, but it’s a genius idea and sometimes makes me think that all the experiences i have now will one day be repeated to my children when i share with them how i met their father (that sounded cheesy, sorry). but i watched the season finale of the 5th season of HIMYM the other night and kind of liked what ted, the main dude, was talking about.

the quote i put above was what ted said towards the end of the episode when encouraging his friend that she made the right decision. she was questioning her decision to choose love over career, then having to lose her love after giving up a great job opportunity. but i just love what he says.

everyone remembers the crazy facebook phase where people were putting their doppelganger images as profile pictures. basically finding celebrities or other famous people who look similar and then claiming it as a doppelganger. but ted’s comment made me think about just how much i’ve changed over the past five years (that’s the time he gives in the show) and how i may look similar but i am a completely different person… it made me really look at how much ive grown and how different my thinking and view on life was back then.

if you are like me, digging into the past is something to be dreaded. okay that was a little dramatic i admit since there are some incredible memories. but there are other things that i’d prefer not to relive, even though they’ve been a pivotal piece in shaping the crazy asian that you see in front of you (or on your screen, depending on how often i actually see you!) alright i think iv’e done this before. BUT i’ve had more pictures… this is me and three of my oldest closest girls that i grew up with! i love them dearly and it’s super fun to see how much we’ve changed in the past 15 years!

4th grade

 

10th grade?...

 

freshman year

andrea's wedding

i'm not even sure... 2.5 years ago?

2010

alright. we kept our same pose for most of it, with just a shift in the last two. but isn’t it crazy? to me it is! it’s weird seeing how much i’ve changed. Not only that, but i’m such a different person than i was back then.

a little older… a little wiser.

at least i like to think

five years ago i was a junior in college. i don’t even really know what sort of mindset i was in back then. knowing what season of life i was in, i’m sure i was very idealistic and naive.

looking back it’s awesome to see how God has brought me to where I am now. of course hindsight is always 20/20. but sometimes i think if i were to go back to 20 year old me and tell her where she would be in five years, she probably wouldn’t believe it. even more so, if i were to tell her about how the past five years went, she probably wouldn’t believe me either

i met up with an old, old friend who i haven’t seen in… oh 11-12 years? and the craziest thing was sitting across from him and knowing that so much life had already happened… yet he still has the same mannerisms and expressions as he did back when we were youngins. it was just mind blowing to me that people can change so much and grow up so fast yet still be who they were. it’s holding on but moving forward…

even now, thinking of where i’ll be in 5 years… who knows? all i know is that life is too short to let the past consume you or let your mistakes define you. it’s all about what you can do and who you can be…